The Candled Flickered

Dark days are where I find myself as I sit at my table quill in hand I find myself at a loss to explain the mix of emotions that course through my tired old heart. Troubled occurrences weigh heavily upon my brow and  I struggle to keep my head up in the wake of recent events. The very ink with which I scratch these words upon this ancient parchment seems a metaphor for my existence, darkened slices leaving the history of my troubled life upon weathered skin. In the span of only a few days I have spoken the word goodbye to two very important Souls in my world and I fear I have failed both in my indecision.

My adopted Son Zon ever a creature of pride and instinct believes he has shamed our Tribe with recent events, and in his shame opted to place himself in exile. So stricken with guilt was he, that he barely told anyone of his departure and I feel has made a grievous error. His Tribe cares for him and will be undoubtedly concerned with his absence but his stubborn nature is legendary and I was unable to persuade him to speak to them. What troubles me most is that he did not inform me of his decision, and were it not for my close tie to him I would have missed his passing...but I felt something was amiss and intercepted him before he left. It was I who pulled him from the darkness not so many years ago and brought his mind back to him, for years I taught him self control to maintain his hold and to keep the beast at bay and I had thought..thought that our bond of friendship meant more than this...but it seems that he struggles with his inner demons even now. I...am hurt that he did not tell me, I have ever been a sympathetic ear to his struggle, and perhaps this is precisely why he did not tell me...for fear I would talk him out of it. I have grown to love him like a Son, and as I promised his father..sealing the bond with his dying breath, I will forever watch over him. Now it seems my son has once again slipped from my fingers and I am left with an unshakable feeling I have failed him again...I could not quell the pain and grief in his heart for the murder of his mate and again when he needed me most I watched him walk off into darkness. I pray and have faith that The Baron will look over my much loved child and lead him to the peace he so greatly deserves...but in the deepest darkest places of my soul I fear one day it will be my hands who close his eyes and my hand trembles as I put these thoughts to parchment.

Sitting in my old chair I can see the flickering of the candle at my desk and see that soon the wick will be burned to the quick casting me in darkness and for the life of me I can't be bothered to light another. The following words are best put to parchment in the same darkness that caused them, for the revealing light can only cast the shadow of doubt on my actions and this I can not face. In the lingering night I can still smell her perfume hanging in the air a gentle reminder of the joy she had brought to this cold place, brought to me. For but a brief time I was allowed to bask in her fire, warmth and love and as the Loa are my witness she made me want desire again. Like a breath of fresh air filling my lungs I breathed in her thriving life and for the faintest of moments...I was alive, a shadow of hope trapped in emerald orbs that made my soul shudder when they shone upon my lowered brow. I would have killed the world, sacrificed all that is my existence just for another night spent in that embrace...but it was simply not meant to be. No matter how enrapturing how enchanting her touch was, as I read the branch of her life there was so much more to do...to accomplish and the leaves of life require warmth...the sun on her skin to grow...not the cold shadow of a dusty old Hut. Her life so robust so powerful holds so many great things yet to come...a child born of love a joy brought into the world under the morning sun, her life...her heart should be held in the light and cherished...not forever entombed in the tender cold embrace of a love that whispers in shadows. It killed a part of my soul to do it, to see the pain etched upon her face, the rejection she felt as I had to let her go...but I beg that in time she will see the wisdom of my decision. Those first steps...leaving her there standing alone, were the most difficult I can remember taking...but the further away from her light that I got...the more the numbing mercy of the enveloping shadows grew. Had I tears to weep for my loss I would bitterly etch them upon this old parchment to sign my emotions away...but as I sit here alone in the darkness...the air filled with the sulfurous scent of the candle long since extinguished..the shadows come to me as an old friend so long forgotten...offering their chilling Nepenthe.